Thursday, October 24, 2013
This is in my response to today's blog hop at Proverbs 31 Ministries Online Bible Study
"A Heart Surrendered to Christ ~ Renee shares her story of the moment she finally surrendered her heart to Christ. Share your story and what made you finally accept His invitation to a personal relationship."
My surrender is a daily occurrence. There have been large moments and small moments. Many are simply rough moments. I know in my head that God loves me, and my heart knows it too, but somewhere in between is still this woman/girl who is so broken the struggle is often going on with small breaks of feeling okay. The following is pretty reflective of the kind of moments, I have with God. The one thing that I can say is I have always been very conversational and truthful with my God.
I GIVE UP!
Whoa wait a minute.
Not sure I can actually do that.
See, well the fact is that I have a lot of stuff on my plate you see.
My son over there, well, he's 18 now, and Lord knows (nothing personal here) but Lord knows he needs his mom. I screwed up pretty big there you know with being a single mom and all. I wanted nothing more than to be a mom and love someone with all my heart. Trouble was, I made some really bad choices and I am afraid that he will suffer forever. Surrender him? Hold on.
I do. I surrender.
But work, now that is a different story, see I worked so hard, but I am always afraid. I am sure that everything is going to come crashing down at any moment. I'm supposed to have all this much more together. But wow, not an easy task. Do you know how many times a day I have to walk into the building feeling downtrodden and near tears? Do you know how often I wonder how I am going to possibly be able to pray for someone when I know that I have a pile of work to do? Do you know how I desperately want to encourage someone, but right now I simply cannot find the words? You do? Ask you?
Okay. I surrender.
My marriage God, it is pretty great. Seriously it's great. In fact I don't know how on earth I got so blessed. What could I have possibly done to deserve this wonderful man who loves me? Even when I gain a little weight (which is kind of annoying to be honest because I feel pretty punky about myself), he sees this beautiful woman. He sees the woman he fell in love with. Of course I don't see her. She was way cuter than I am. I mean seriously that girl was adorable. Now here I am with this thyroid condition that automatically helps me gain weight, get thinner hair with a side of depression. Six months after marriage! Six years later though, he...loves...me as much as he did that day in the red rocks.
That's right. I surrendered my bad relationship choices to you. I realized I didn't have the knowledge to choose. I asked you to choose. You did. He's wonderful. Thank you.
I started this study, but man it is getting HARD! Yesterday I had to listen to three worship songs in the car and just keep praising you Lord! I had a blanket of ick over me that I couldn't even understand. I am so tired of the fight Lord. I'm so tired of the thoughts and negativity. I just want to know in my heart what I know in my head. Why Lord is it so hard? Why can't I just get it? Why do I feel attacked? Just once, just once I would love to see your love without having to first wipe away the clouds of doubt and play smack down with my own emotions and past.
"See, I have engraved you on the palms of my hands..." Isaiah 49:16
Okay. I surrender. I will not fight. I will not fret. I will let go. I will not get in Your way.