I had prayed a lot about what to write today. During my weeks and weeks of pain and crying, I also went through weeks and weeks of questioning and wondering.
I came out on the other side wanting to just say this.
God Loves You
HE LOVES YOU
Beautiful, wonderful, marvelous YOU.
This is one of those head things that I get as far as I have been able to parrot it back. I knew it, but it really had not sunk in. It just kind of floated in my mind. See my mind likes to play tricks on me and my mind also doubts BIG TIME. I would read a verse that would share how much God loves me and then I would hear in my head a voice from the past saying "Well, God would REALLY love you if..." or "The thing is, you really don't deserve that love. God knows this about you..." or "God would love you more if..."
Does that happen to you?
If not, I truly am happy for you. I am thrilled. Now that may be hard to convey right here in a post, but knowing the difficulty I have had, I am really happy if you haven't had to worry about that. If you took God's word and by faith believed even that thing that can be so hard for me to grasp. HE LOVES YOU.
He loves me.
Knowing God loves you no matter what creates this amazing feeling inside you. There is a freedom yet there is this incredible humbling moment. His love is a big deal. It is a party kind of deal. It means you can (and really must) let go of all the other voices and incidents that have made you feel unworthy or made you feel that you had to try harder to be worthy.
God's love is not dependent on how your father treated you when you were growing up or even how he treats you now. It is not about how clean and tidy your house is today. It is not the sum of every employer you had or every person you dated. It h as nothing to do with how well you did in high school or college. Being loved by God has nothing to do with your weight gain, weight loss or how snarky you were to others last week (thank God cuz this girl can get snarky).
So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.
2 Corinthians 4:18
All of those other things are temporary. God is eternal. God's love is eternal. It is unconditional, powerful and beyond compare. You can't earn it. He gave it to you freely.
That is good news.
No. That is great news. If only we could grasp it.
Remember this:
Yet to all who did receive him, to those who believed in his name, he gave the right to become children of God.
John 1:12
So if the son sets you free, you will be free indeed.
John 8:36
For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith -- and this is not from yourselves, it is the gift of God--
Ephesians 2:8
Oh...and for those random scattered "if only..." thoughts remember this too:
Cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7
First let me just say that I am not hating on myself here. I know that God loves me and I do not need to compare myself to anyone else. However, I have come to realize that I simply desire to do more than I have. I have goals, but I haven't been doing too well at drawing closer to them.
I so often have thought about "someday." Someday I'll lose this excess weight. Someday I'll get up early and write and read the Bible all the time and not just occasionally. Someday I will have a little self discipline. Someday I'll stop procrastinating. Someday I will change things. Well, today is someday. Today is the first day that I will live as the woman I long to be. Let's call it a mini experiment. You read about the woman in Proverbs 31. Well, I'd like to be like that woman. Actually no. I want to be the woman that God has called me to be. So I am going to live the way I think I would be living IF I had it a little more together.
Make sense?
Hopefully it will.
Basically I am going to take action. Some of these things I do often. These are things I want to do all the time. I want to live the life I want to live. It is high time I get started. I guess that is what a phantom back injury and a bout of depression will do to you.
The woman I long to be:
--Gets up early to spend time in God's word.
--Writes daily.
--Eats breakfast each day.
--Gets the exercise she can even with an injury at least five days a week.
--Makes healthy food choices.
--Encourages others daily.
--Drinks more water than coffee or even iced tea.
--Prays for her husband daily.
--Prays for her son daily.
You know what? I'm excited!
**My husband took this photo.
A little over a month ago, I woke up in excruciating pain. Pain so dramatic that I literally screamed. Somehow in the middle of the night (or so I thought), I slept in such a way that absolutely tore my back up.
Every movement was accompanied by my own screams as my body protested. I could not dress myself in anything but maxi skirts (thank God they are in style) because I could barely bend. I could not wear shoes other than my Birkenstock sandals because I could not handle the pain of trying. I could barely handle working in the office but being at home was pointless too as I only fitfully could rest.
After a week of this, I finally saw a chiropractor. After my x-rays and other testing, it turns out I have an old neck injury and some impingement in my hip. Funny thing is, I don't recall doing anything that would cause a neck injury...well...other than falling down a flight of stairs OFTEN in my old home in Rhode Island.
There is something about pain that you cannot control that really knocks the wind out of your sails. I could not sit long enough to be online so I simply stayed away for the most part. My on-air work was rough too as I tried desperately to not scream out at the sudden sharp pains while on air.
The roughest yet the best part was going through the pain during the weekend of the Elevate Music Festival here in Arizona. Three long days of amazing Christian music. Three long days of wonderful testimonies. In many ways, I felt God really renew me there. I do plan on sharing that part at some time.
The screaming pain is now behind me. My wandering and scattered mind is still with me. I think my thyroid might be a bit off. I am very emotional now, but grateful. Grateful that my physical pain is dull now. I think it was all a part of a breakthrough. Kind of the storm before the calm. More than ever, I feel that God has some special plans, and I just need to buckle in and be ready.
I haven't had anyone clamoring at me asking where I have been, but I do miss writing. I do miss visiting with others, and I do miss the goal of it all. I am still on hold for many activities, but I am free to do this again, and I am more determined to get on it.
I have a new goal in mind.
I wont share that now.
But I will.
Checking in and very happy to do so.
God bless you.
