I ran a little late on last week's study which meant I played catch up today. Not easy. Chapter Five of "A Confident Heart" by Renee Swope is a wonderful chapter, but I was an emotional wreck by the time I was through. I used up the remainder of a box of tissue and then hid out in the bathroom to cry my way through the discussion questions. This way I could splash lots of cold water on my face. Funny, I never realized that people really did that. I also had rolls of TP on hand just in case. This week's chapter is titled: "When Doubt Whispers 'I'm Not Good Enough.'" I hope that it helps me move forward. I know that I need to feel my past, but not live there.
This week's verse is:
Yet to all who did receive Him, to those who believed in His name, He gave the right to become children of God. John 1:12 NIV
This week, I am hoping to tackle it in several translations.
I believe that God indeed does love me. I believe that He has a plan and purpose for my life. Now I need to live it.
As I have begun reading my assignments this week for Proverbs 31 Online Bible Study of "A Confident Heart" by Renee Swope, I am already incredibly uncomfortable. None of this is unexpected. I know that in order to gain the confident heart I seek. In order to remove the past as my frame of reference for my value, I also have to confront my beliefs and where they came from.
There is a wonderful line on page 77 in "A Confident Heart" where Renee says"
"Although I knew God wants me to deal with my past, I also knew God did not want me to dwell in my past."
I think sometimes I haven't wanted to fully confront some of my past because I do not want to get stuck in there, but the muck of my past hangs on me like mud. Some of it is dried and hard and causes parts of me to not move. Other parts are still soaked in the squishy mud that is so fresh that even wiping it off will probably leave a smear of grit and gunk. I could probably even pretend that once it is wiped off, that remainder is not that big of a deal, but as long as it sticks, I am being impacted.
What a pain.
I feel like the biggest pain in my life. I am continually knocking myself down. I am continually doubting myself. I don't doubt my God. That might sound weird, but I don't. I know that He has a plan and a purpose for my life. I just feel (feeling are such a bad thing to hold onto I know) that I am not worth that plan. I feel like I can't make it to that plan whatever it is. I need to remember that even this is part of that plan.
I am looking forward to putting out weekly verse to use.
"Why are you frightened?" he asked. "Why are your hearts filled with doubt?"
Luke 24:38
I haven't really mapped out my scriptures well, but this time, I think I am going to get on it. I am going to move forward even in these difficult moments.
